You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
