well I can't set my house on fire every night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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