Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
