Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize