dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Your penis caused this!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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