the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
