1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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