Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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