we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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