....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
