did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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