You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
