adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
