you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i drank out of a bidet.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
