there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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