I'm sorry my penis didn't work
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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