you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just found a bag of teeth...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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