I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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