Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
