I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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