kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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