life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
