dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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