Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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