I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Blood and glitter go together right?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
