Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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