Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Michael Bay diarrhea
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
