apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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