I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
