So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
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The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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