How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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