where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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