i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
