I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
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I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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