i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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