Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
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Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize