# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
