last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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