If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
