Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
