I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
