She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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