jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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