I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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