My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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