WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
