I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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