Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
