When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
