i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
