so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
