You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
