The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
