So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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