We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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