i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
